Happy New Year
I just stood there, watching in anguish as the contents of my pencilcase was emptied into the little drain outside of class. They said a family member would die if I were to keep those that were shorter than my fingers. A family member for every finger
But I picked them up anyway, my precious little colour pencils, after they had gone. My body shaking as I sobbed silently.
I was 7 then.
I don't think I ever understood how a person could be disliked merely for being.... different.
I hated being different. I hated them for thinking I was different. I hated ME for being different.
I went through a period of time where I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. When away from home, I would avoid looking at anything that would show my reflection. Watching Oprah one afternoon, on how these three people were all unable to look at themselves, in fear that what they would see would be something so hideously unbearable, drove me to tears.
The hardest was to begin accepting things for what they were. To start accepting ME. I don't think I have altogether, but I'm working on it. Some days it's hard and my mind goes back to what used to be. At moments like those, I feel down and beaten.
I am trying, trying to love myself.
I've been lapsing into occasional depressive modes lately. And in the process, I've hurt the one most beloved to me today, due to my own stupidity.
Along the years, we've all had our share of ups and downs. No doubt, there's more to come. But I guess, no matter how hard you fall, you've got to get up and soldier on.
A simple gesture from a dear friend lifted my spirits yesterday.
I felt happy, so happy.
I'll treasure that priceless gift, my sole New Year Card.
With that, Happy New Year everyone.
postcard from PostSecret.com
posted by Shahira @ 8:45 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Hey hey. I was depressed too. Have been for the past few days. Company keeps my spirits up. Well who to hell likes to hang with a grumpy pot huh?
You gotta know that if I'm annoyed about certain persons, I'm not gonna take it out on you. I know you like explanations so here goes: I didnt feel the same way cause Sat and Sun felt sooo long. I thought even class passed faster. Honest. It seemed ages since the last episode.
Well...you know you did say writing it was easier.
Stupid kids. Remember that stupid girl with her jerk-midget of a brother? God I love that. God gave me height when I so needed it.
I think only idiots cant see differences as a potentially positive thing. then again I almost always think people are idiots just because they're like every other common jerk on earth. Ah well.
In our younger days, differences sets us apart. So does our older days. But take advantage of that kay hotness? Least you dont have to work that hard to stand out. Just walk into class and wham! teacher notices you. Good for reallity.
Isn't is funny how it's always you who's the 1st (or the only one for that matter ><;) to say something at every shitty, depressing post of mine?..
I'm grateful for that really.
I know you have been too..
I'm really glad you're around. I honestly don't know what I'll do without you.
Oh god, how could I forget those two. But the lot of us did pick on her like crazy after what happened. I gotta admit, it was sooooooooo mean BUT sinfully pleasing XP
Sometimes, its nice to just blend in--- Wargh!! okay, okay, less negative thoughts ><
Thanks, yet again, for the comment.
<3
Hey sha.. all the best in learning to love yourself.
It might take sometime but - I hope that one day you'll finally love yourself as much as we your friends love you.
Grace--> Hey there.. Thanks, Grace. That means alot to me. I know that I have tons of great friends but sometimes, when little things happen, it makes me doubt whether or not I can let people in on my problems.
I suppose that means there's another thing I'll have to work on, TRUST. Err.. baby steps now, baby steps..
Stan--> Probably one childhood memory I'll never forget. It has become a life lesson too, I suppose, in a way..
Heh, you thought I was a Bosnian kid, ya? Thanks, Stan. That's an awfully huge compliment, coming from you. I wouldn't have you any other way either =)
Yea, it's not going to be an overnight thing for sure. It'll take time. But.. it is really something I need to do for myself.
YES, it's OPRAH.. oh god.. now that's, major idiotic of me ><; With all that checking, rechecking & re-rechecking, it's hard to believe I missed that!
Thank you so much, Stan, for always being a friend I can count on.
When I wrote this post, I did wonder whether or not I was putting out too much but somehow, writing it out and letting people know, helps me accept it too.
I truly appreciate every comment written in response to my post.
You've done me a great deal of good, more than you could ever imagine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi Sha...
Your post really moved me...I read it a few days ago, but had no idea how to comment...
Like Grace said, all the best in learning how to love yourself.
And thank you for all the great advice you've given me before. :)
Hey,
Thanks, Yeen Lynn. That's alright, really.
Honestly.. I was at the brink of shutting down my blog when I saw that the comments count stayed at (2). It made me wonder whether I had made a mistake posting it up. I was, you could say, looking for support. I don't think I've ever realised just how many friends I have that truly care for me.
You're welcome, and thank you once again =)
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